If you didn't already know, I was once married and from that marriage I was given a daughter we called Olivia Grace. Thinking about her today brings about a lot of emotions and feelings that are both good and bad. Good about her, bad about me. Olivia lives with her mother in KY and I don't get to see her often. It's a five hour drive (which gets better every time I make it) and school is a five day a week job that makes it a scheduling exercise to come and see her.
Olivia is standing in front of me watching a big screen TV and coloring in a Sesame Street coloring book. I'm sitting on my ex-wife's couch in her home in KY and I will drive back to IL Saturday afternoon. She tells me she wants a cracker and I give her one Ritz cracker and watch her chow down. I've been up since six thirty and the daylight outside is revealing a beautiful day. Little Livy is still in her pajamas (I think they were clothes at one point in the past) and her hair hasn't been cut in her life, so her little blonde (I have no idea how this much blonde can come from two brown-haired parents, but I don't mind a bit) curls are constantly pushed out of her blue eyes by two little hands. For the moment, I let her play on her own.
The house is large and right now empty save for the two of us. Savannah (ex-wife) and I split up just before Christmas of last year and Olivia has lived with her since. It will most likely remain that way for the duration of her young life. When you go from seeing your daughter every day to a couple days each month, it makes each trip very poignant and 'important.' I put it in the little '' things because I actually don't know how to put it into words. I want to teach her and raise her and protect her and love her and all these crazy dad things in such short amount of time that it sometimes weighs on me before I even leave. Is my time with her going to be meaningful enough? My worst fear of showing up and Olivia not recognizing me or even worse shying away from me has yet to be realized. She actually shattered that fear when I got here this time by opening the door and saying, "Daddy" and giving me a big hug.
Moments like that make it all better.
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Josh,
ReplyDeleteI can't imagine how difficult it is for you. Given what you wrote in this entry and how you've talked about her, I have no doubt that Olivia will know how much you love her and that you want to be a good father. Your consistency with her and the quality of the time you spend together go a long way in building the foundation of that lasting relationship. I think she's really lucky to have a father who's so reflective and unafraid to love her with everything.
I have to second everything Lori said. I've always been proud to say that my parents are still married. But in looking back (and in observing my own inadequacies and faults) I realize that just because my parents stayed together, doesn't necessarily mean that it was the best thing for us as children. I look at my brother and his family too. It is often like looking at my parents and their family. Too much tension and constant disagreement. I don't know what it would have been like in a "broken home", but I do know that staying together just for the sake of the kids is not always the best either. I think that what you are doing in loving her with all you have is a much better scenario.
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